back at work

today is my 1st day back at work after the long break (almost 2 months). my colleagues are very careful with me, nobody mention anything about my miscarriage. usually after 1, 2 days of mc, they will asked, how are you, feeling better. nothing of this sort is being mention at all.

 

i spent half the day, clearing all the junk mails in my inbox and cleared up my table. after lunch then i continue with my data entry for all the exam candidates. there are tons of application for me to clear, i guess i will have to spend the rest of the week on data entry. then can start all the logistics preparation next week.

left or right

i got this from a friend, find it quite interesting. i can't decide if i'm a left-left or left-right cos i don't have a standard way of folding my arms. or maybe i'm both. heheh..... maybe i will try a few more times to determine the way i fold my arms. hahah.......

LEFT OR RIGHT?

First, identify yourself as right or left brain person:
1. Hold your hands together, as if you were praying. Look at your hands. If you see

Left thumb is below the right thumb ---> left brain
Right thumb is below the left thumb ---> right brain

2. Fold your arms in front of you (as if you are angry)

Right arm above left arm ---> left brain
Left arm above right arm ---> right brain

Based on 1+2 (order important), below is the interpretation of your personality:
Right-Left
Considerate, traditional, indirect type can instinctively read other's emotion, and respond friendly by natures. Although not very into taking initiatives in moving forward, but this person will always take a step back in supporting others. Stable personality and considerate, give others a being protected feeling. But the weakness is they cannot say no; regardless how unwilling they are, they will take care of others.
Right-Right
Loves challenges type.Straightforward. Once they decided on one thing, will take action right away. Very curious, and love challenges. Dare to face dangers without thinking through (sometimes foolishly). Their weakness is they dont listen to others, will filter in only what whey want to hear in a conversation, and very subjective. However, because of their straightforward attitude, they tend to be fairly popular.
Left-Left
Dedicated, cold, perfectionist Very logical in all aspects. The only way to defeat (or win over) him/her is through reasons. Has a lot of prides, and feeling strongly about doing the right thing. If they are your friends, they are very trustworthy. However, if they are your opponents, they will be very tough to deal with. Because they can be very "anal" as a perfectionist, they usually leave a bad impression of being hard to deal with when first met.
Left-Right
Likes to take care of others, leader type. Has a cool and keen observation ability to see through situations, yet still can be considerate in others needs. Because of their cool and calm nature, and strong sense of responsibility, they tend to become head of a group. Popular among people. However, they may not be able to help themselves in meddling because they want to take care of others too much. Very concerned about how others view them, and always on alert.

leave or stay

i have been working in current company for 8 years. the idea of resigning surface when we came back from honeymoon. i have been very comfortable and have a very good boss. she will fetch me to work everyday and send me back if she is leaving at the same time as me. this arrangement never change except now my darling will fetch me from work. so i actually had the luxury of having a personal morning driver (my boss) and a evening driver (my darling) everyday. she really dotes me too, i'm just like her daughter. i'm pretty sure in office, everybody is saying that she is my 靠山. 

 

many times when the thought of resigning comes to me, the first time i think of its her. if i'm not around, is there someone that can take over me and help her. not that i'm very good but at least of now i'm the only one she can depends on. 

 

she told me that she will be transfer back to head office to head another dept by oct. she will no longer be my boss. upon hearing that, i'm not sure if i should be happy or sad. i'm happy cos the transfer is good for her but i'm sad cos she is leaving me in a way. another good thing that i can think of is that i can resign and leave anytime now. i don't have to worry that there is no one to help her. 

 

now that she is out of my consideration, i have to think about baby. should i resign and get pregnant again in new company? by then i may have join them for less than 6 months, is it good for me to do this? can the new company sack me with probation period when they found out that i'm pregnant? or should i stay and wait till i get pregnant and give birth to 1st child, then resign and join a new company? which is a better option? 

 

maybe i should just send out my applications and wait for the response, there might be no offer for me at all. then i'm wasting my time and energy thinking of all these. sigh......

out....

after a long wait, i can finally stepped out of my house alone. darling had finally given the green light for me to go out by myself. ever since i'm on mc, i had been at home all the time or go to ntuc with darling to stock up food for me. he is so worried about me that he said, you don't go out unless i'm with you. 

 

I'm not a very homely person, i'm so happy that i'm able to go out today. first thing i did so went to develop our honeymoon and wedding preparation photos. i also bought a set of aprons and a top for myself. me being a good girl (hahah, buay paiseh), i didn't go out for long too. i came back within 2 hours.

 

waited for darling to come back and had lunch together. darling had his afternoon nap while i laze around and watch tv. as usual, i cook dinner for him and he do all the washing.

review

i went for review today. everything is fine, gynae had send our baby for test after d/c. he showed us the report today and told us that the test result showed that its a miscarriage which in a way is a good sign. he told us in some case, the so called baby will not developed into a baby but into a lump which can be cancerous. if that is the case, we had to take precaution and prevent myself from getting pregnant in a year. since the test result show that its a miscarriage, then we just need to take precaution for 3 months.

 

i was given vitamins and will be going back for review in 6 weeks time or after my next menses. so in future (which is in nov), 1 month before we try for baby again, i need to start taking folic acid. 

 

in the mean time, i will just have to take care of myself and build up my health. i guess i have to start to have a healthy lifestyle. this is hard for me, i'm always eating junk food. hehehe..... my darling is going to make me start my once a week walk again....

when is anniversary?

once on the radio, the DJ were talking about wedding anniversary, then it strike me which date is our anniversary? our rom or customary date? 

 

although its still early for me to think of anniversary but we must decide and agree on which date to celebrate. if not, i may think that rom date is our anniversary but darling think that customary date is our anniversary, then we will be upset when the date comes and nothing is planned. so i ask my darling, which one do we celebrate or both? his answer is we celebrate both loh, then i told him good; which means i will have 2 presents. heheh.... 

 

come to think of it, if we do celebrate both date then how do we called it to differentiate. 1st rom anniversary and 1st wedding anniversary? doesn't it sound a bit weird? hmmmmm, i think we better come up with some nice names for it.

visit from colleagues

my boss and colleague bought lunch and came to visit me. they had also bought a lot of my work for me to do at home. you might think that they are so cruel still give me work to do when i'm on mc. actually i'm the one who requested them to bring it for me. at least i won't be bored to death. from now till next fri i can slowly key in all the data needed. no more repeated tv show for me, had been watching repeated tv for the past few days or weeks when i'm on mc. its so boring.... i think i can never be a tai tai, i will be bored to death. 

 

as i can't do any house work at the moment, my house is a bit messy. darling haven't came back so nobody to clear up. they became my part-time maid, they help wash up all the dishes and sweep the floor for me. hehee..... so paiseh for them to do it.

its over and gone

we left for tmc at 6.20am, after doing the necessary admission documents, i was lead to my ward by 7.30am. i was told to change into the operating gown. as i had never had an operation before, i wore the gown wrongly. hehe..... the nurse came in to take my temperature and pressure told me i had wore it wrongly and ask me to change. my ops was schedule at 9am. before 9am, another nurse came with the bed and brought me down to the theatre. she told my darling to wait in the room as i will be back very soon. 

 

so i left with them feeling scared but i keep telling myself i had to be strong and can't cry. i fought back my tears and told myself to close my eyes and rest so that i won't start imagining. at the waiting area, there were lots of pregnant ladies waiting to give birth. everyone is busy running here and there. i was there alone, waiting for gynae and anesthetic to come. all i know was that i waited for some time before i was pushed into the operating theatre (ot). or maybe i'm worried so the wait seems to be very long.

 

in the ot, the general anesthetic talked to me and give me a jab on my left hand so that i can have the drip and the anesthetic later. within seconds after the Anesthetic was injected i lost consciouses. all i remember is that the room is very cold and something cold seems to be flowing in from my left hand vein then i was knock out. i don't know how long was the procedures and what was done. but i can hear people talking around me and calling my name, telling me its over.

 

but i'm just too tired and all i want is to sleep. my head and hands feel so heavy, i try lifting my hand but its just too heavy. i just keep sleeping till about 11.30am before i woke up and talk to darling. at that moment, i still feel very tired and want to sleep. darling is so worried, he asked me why i took so long. he waited until he can't tahan and went to ask the nurse for me, then he saw me coming back. 

 

when i woke up at about 12+, i was told that i can change. after lunch and check by their doc, i can leave. however, the wait for the doc is so long. finally, i was discharge at about 2.30pm. we went to make payment and were shocked to see the bill. after medisave, we had to pay about 1.3k in cash. i was shocked that i told darling, maybe its cheaper to do it in clinic. all he said is, its ok as long as you are ok. 

 

i was given 2 weeks mc, medication and going back for review on mon.

final check

we went for our check again. this time is to have a confirmation and its confirmed that my pregnancy had failed. baby's heartbeat should had stopped between week 6 - 7. i will going to do a d/c tomorrow at thomson medical.

in a way its also a relief, is better to know the outcome then to keep worrying and think about it. as much preparation i had, i still cried the moment i stepped out of the clinic. i'm such a cry baby. i had manage to hold back my tears in the clinic and was able to talk to the nurses but my tears will just roll down the moment i'm out of it.

i know its equally hard for my darling. so instead of heading home straight, i requested to go shopping. i wanted to get something for him to cheer him up. i took an hours leave from him and went shopping for his gift. but i only manage to get a card, can't find anything suitable for him. i guess its the thought that counts, having a card is better than nothing.

result is out...

my blood test result is out. my hormones level is only 50% of what is expected. so gynae suggest to wait till mon and go for another check. the cause of the result could be either me or baby is unhealthy. medication that was given to me, i had to continue. and we wait for another scan on mon to make any further decision. sigh....

it was hard but we won't give up

yesterday was the worst day in our marriage life so far, we received a not very good news on our baby.

we tried to keep all the bad thoughts coming to us but its really very hard. all the bad thoughts just keep coming to us. for me, crying is the best way to let it out and me being a super cry baby, crying is not a problem for me. i had been crying the whole night. tears just keep falling, i simply can't talk to anyone over the phone not even over msn. my poor eyes are so swollen but i just can't help it.

its worst for my darling. he had to put on a strong front. he tried very hard to hold back his tears. looking at him, it really hurts me a lot. i spend the night coaxing him into talking, letting out all his feelings. for the very first time, i saw him cry so badly and its really hurt me. i know how much he loves baby. when he told me, the moment he saw out baby our first scan, he already love him and want him badly. my tears just roll down non stop and very much want to keep baby.

baby, we had faith in you. you will be fine and we will stand by you till the end. you must be brave and trust yourself that you can make it. 加油

brought forward our gynae visit

we have brought forward our visit to gynae to today as i had been experience on and off stomach cramps and pains. we received a quite bad news today, we were not able to locate any heartbeat and baby seems to be not growing as well. i was told to do a blood test to test on my hormones level. being pregnant, i should have a certain high level for a kind of hormone. if i don't reach that state, then its not very optimistic. the test result will be out on wed and we can call up to check.

another visit was schedule next mon to scan again, by then there should be an outcome. we are not optimistic about it and i think we better prepare for the worse. i was given a week mc to rest at home.

i was quite surprised that i didn't cry at all at the clinic. its was after we left the clinic that i started crying. i'm really glad that darling is with me for all my visits. i don't know how i can handle this if i'm there alone. i can tell that he is very sad too and had to fight very hard to hold back his tears. he needs to be strong to be there for me. however, he did cry eventually when we were back home. it hurts me a lot to see him cry and this is the 2nd time i saw him crying. he said he feels very bad cos he can't do anything to help me. but darling, being there with me is all i need from you. i just need you to stand by me.

we will be brave and not lose hope till the end. we must fight this battle with baby and stand by him till the end. baby, you too can't give up. you had survive the tiring taiwan trip, you can make it this time too. 加油！我们一起努力。

darling, my baby's daddy

i have been training my darling to say goodnight to baby every night before we sleep. in the beginning, he will say it to me then tell me its meant for baby. i will also have to remind him to do it every night. but yesterday, he did it himself without me reminding him. and he actually speaks to my stomach instead of me now. i'm so happy to see that hopefully, this is not just 三分钟热度.

well, he had been very nice since i started working. he makes me honey, breakfast and my afternoon teabreak everyday. so now i had breakfast every morning and a bottle of honey to drink through the day. i'm really very touched that he bothers to do it for me. but then, i told him i'm sick of honey liao. i don't want honey anymore. so he make ribena for today... it was not even a week and i'm sick of it liao. how to go on like this for the following months to go. he just smile at me and say, never mind, we rotate the drinks loh so that you won't be bored...

baby, your daddy is really very sweet....

bad thoughts

i happen to 'met' up with my ex-classmates from psb in the motherhood forum. she is also expecting her first child now. she had a miscarriage last year on her 7th weeks. same thing, she could see baby's heartbeat on the 6th weeks, but when she went for check on the 8th weeks. baby is gone. gynae suspect that baby's heartbeat stop around 7th weeks.

i was indeed a bit shock to hear that cos we can also see baby's heartbeat on the 6th weeks. however, on the 7th week we could hardly locate the heartbeat though its growing. so now, the bad thought of whether baby is still around will always pop up in my mind. i know its bad for me to think this way and baby can feel it but i can't help it.

i'm really sorry, baby. i really can't help it. maybe its when we wanted to have you so much that we are really afraid to lose you. so you must be brave ok? and me have been good too, feeding you well with lots of food and drinks and also taking the medicine gynae gives. we want to see you next wed when we visit the gynae.

back at work

i'm back in action at work liao. thought i will see piles of work waiting for me, luckily there isn't. heheh..... there are definitely lots of junk mails to delete. i had more than 2000 emails in my inbox, spend the morning clearing them. i think my colleagues are suspecting something..... but since nobody ask i'm going to keep quiet. :P

the first thing i did in office is eating the 爱心早餐 my darling make for me. hehehe....... now that i had cleared my work, i start surfing the net again.